Bullying: What is It? What Isn't It? How Has it Changed in a Generation? And How Can it be Stopped?

  Quite a mouthful, huh? Since we are beginning another year of school, I wanted to write a blogpost that covered everything I could think of about bullying, or at least the main points since Bullying is such a large topic, full length books don't even cover it all. But as a counselor, I think the most important points to hit are the ones in this post's title:

• What is Bullying?
• What is Not Bullying?
• How Has Bullying Changed Since We Were Kids?
• How Can Bullying be Stopped or Limited?

    So, first of all, what is Bullying? Here is a pretty standard and accepted definition:

•     Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems. (StopBullying.gov)

   It goes on to say that the behavior must be aggressive, have an imbalance of power, and be repetitive or potential to be repetitive. What I look for to categorize bullying is if the target is affected negatively at the moment and in an extended time period afterwards, is their a threat for more bullying behavior to occur, and how long has this gone on? Middle School is one of the worst areas for bullying behavior because kids are bigger and there is a lot of social power being thrown around. The kids are just discovering themselves and are not very mature about their actions and behaviors. Elementary and High School can have issues as well, but lack of maturity, or finally having some maturity, seem to keep the bullying behaviors at a lower level. Our data shows 7th grade seems to be the peak year. I work with many students after they get into a fight, are in the middle of some friendship drama, or are having a tough time fitting in. But none of these issues are automatically bullying issues, because the repetition and the affects are what is key. But if that same student is seeing me daily or weekly for the same issue and it is not getting better, now we are likely talking about a bullying issue, especially if it is causing the target to have issues in other parts of their life (education, attendance, home, behaviors, etc.)

  So, what is not Bullying then? 

   Well, honestly, most stuff that happens in a school is not bullying. The word "bully" gets thrown around a lot, but not often does an issue classify as a bullying issue. We don't have many fights in our school, but almost all of them are just kids having a bad day or getting caught up in the moment. Very rarely are they a bullying issue. In fact, most bullies prefer to not be physical because it is too easy to be caught. True bullies are very good with persuasion, negative words, and generally bothering you without ever touching you. I always tell students that bullies will sometimes mess with you enough that you will hurt yourself, so they don't have to. Sad, but true. Teasing is pretty normal and pretty common in school. Sadly, so are rumors. But what I have found is that teasing is usually between friends or 'somewhat' friends and the rumors usually die out after a day or two and a new rumor about a different student is active. This is life and has gone on since the dawn of time. Doesn't mean we don't still try to deal with it and there may even still be consequences, but these issues still don't classify as bullying behavior. They can turn into that if they persist day after day and are repetitive and a pattern of teasing/rumors forms. Also, if the effects on the target are severe and affect their well-being here at school on a day-to-day basis, now we could have a bullying issue. But generally, hundreds of issues pop up every day. Sometimes none of those are bullying issues, just teens being teens and some being too mean. Hopefully, I, as the counselor, can work with the students to clear those issues up. 

   So if Bullying issues are only a small part of the school day, why all the talk? Bullies were around when I was young, what has changed?

   Great question....a lot has changed! The biggest changes I see are these two:

• Technology makes bullying 24/7
• Exposure to Media means kids have more mature experiences yet still immature in thinking

    What this means is when we were young and people were mean, it was all better for the most part at 3:30 when we got home. Mom or Dad made us some milk and cookies, we cried a bit, and then we went to bed happy. Not so today. That same teen today goes home and likely gets 10 text messages on the way home, possibly all of them reinforcing the mean comments he/she heard during the day. Then, they log into their facebook account to play a game to get away from it all and their wall has been bombarded with hateful words and images. Parents might be working and their school friends and staff are at their own homes. This leaves our young teen brain alone with negative thoughts. Things can escalate very quickly, especially if the teen tries to respond to the comments, and very soon we could have a crisis situation. In my "former life" as a science teacher at our high school, one scary fact I remember is that the last part of the brain to develop is problem solving and long-term planning/logic. This doesn't develop fully until almost age 20. So, our young teen brain is getting bombarded with hateful messages without the ability to properly problem solve and think "Ignore. Block. Delete. Don't listen to them. Listen to Music. Life will get better. You have friends. You have family. Etc." So when we used to get away from bullying by literally getting away, today's teen cannot. And before you say "Just don't let them have a phone or use Facebook", be careful. That is punishing the target and not letting them develop coping and problem-solving skills they will need when life gets even tougher. Teens are social beings and one of the biggest social activities and ways to stay connected is social networks, cell phones, and texting. Take these away and your child could be even more damaged then they were when they were being bullied. But, limits to these help and knowing skills like blocking, ignoring, and deleting, as well as printing and saving the online posts for evidence work great. I knew one student who got mean and hateful texts all through the night and was up all night getting these texts. A simple suggestion of turning off his phone at night or leaving it in the kitchen could have fixed that. But to convince this teen to get away from a social connection like their phone for even the bedtime hours took some convincing!

    And as to the other point, our kids today get exposed to violent, mature images, words, concepts all the time. Even when we limit them, they still get it in one form or another. And again, their brain can't process all of this, so they truly do not understand how hurtful some of these words or actions can be. It doesn't always hurt when they hear or see them on TV, so why would it in real life? 24/7 media via Internet, cable/satellite TV, and the radio keeps pushing these things to the kids and some of it then gets pushed on each other in the heat of the moment. 

  Wow....so how do we stop Bullying?

  Well, I don't think it can truly be stopped, but it can be prevented as much as possible. It takes EVERYONE's help though. A counselor can work with both bullies and targets to give them skills so it doesn't happen again. Parents can monitor their child's phone and social network some and yet still respect their privacy. Parents, teachers, and any adults can model correct behavior and understand that if a child/teen sees parents fight in an unhealthy manner (name-calling, aggression, etc), adults yelling at the opposing team or the umpires, or adults bad-mouthing each other (even in politics!!), that a child/teen will learn from this and learn it is acceptable behavior. Even if deep down we all know it should not be acceptable. But when I went to watch the Bully movie and stayed for the hour-long discussion afterwards, the best solution was given by a student at the very end of our discussion. She said "We can all talk about stopping bullying. We can make signs. Adults can try their best to monitor their teens. And we can even make laws. But honestly, it is up to the teens themselves. They are the ones that have to stand up for each other and say Bullying is not right and is not acceptable. Only then will we truly make a difference because teens listen to teens." That might have been one of the bigger ovations I have heard in some time. She was right. She was so right! But....we must all still work together and do our part and get the teens talking about this and spreading the message that Bullying is not normal, teen behavior....it is hateful, mean behavior that can have long-lasting effects. And if we can't stop it, we must work together to limit it.

Phew....that was a long post, at least for me. I have many more ideas on Bullying and will be studying it a lot this year, especially Cyberbullying. I am presenting at the Iowa School Counselors Association Conference in November on the topic of Bullying. I will also be on a panel at the first ever Bullying Prevention Summit in Des Moines at the end of November. Both exciting opportunities. I may also be doing some speaking at some coaching meetings and classes for the state on the idea/topic of bullying in sports. Gonig to be a busy year, but I know a couple things are guaranteed. We will have some bullying issues in our middle school this year (every school has these) and we will have some that are not. But I will work with our staff and students to see if we can resolve each one all while doing some school-wide Bullying Prevention educational ideas as well. Thank you for reading!!