I asked my son the question today. It was tough. It was awkward. I wasn't sure how to do it so I just did it and it still came out wrong. But I'm glad I asked. It is silly to stumble over such an important question. A question I ask at least once a week to students who visit my office. And even though it is tough with them as well, I don't stumble and it seems so natural. But when I tried to ask my son, I stuttered and felt weird for even asking. But I did it and I plan to do it again. And again.
"Have you ever thought of suicide? Have you ever thought of hurting yourself?"
He answered quickly, but I could still feel my pulse race wondering what he would say. But here's the thing...no matter what he answered, I was ready to support however I could. Suicide has been in the news a lot and the latest CDC report is something I can't get out of my head. 49 of 50 states have seen a rise in suicides since 2001, most of those dramatic increases. Iowa has had one of the highest increases at 36.2%. Read that number again: 36.2% more people in our state are dying by suicide than 2001. Only 3 of the top 10 causes of death are on the increase, suicide is one of them. Which group of people have seen the highest increase? Teenage girls. I work with 500 teens and preteens every day and I can tell you, this increase is real. Ten years ago, I spoke about suicide with about 3 students my first year as a counselor. This year, I lost count. I would estimate it at 15-20 kids. I didn't need this week's report to tell me what I was already seeing and hearing. Our kids are hurting and they want someone to listen.
Today, my son tells me he is fine. But things can change quickly. That same report showed something we didn't expect. Over half of the suicides were by people who had no known mental illness or issue leading up to the suicide. There were likely mental health issues, but who knows? The other causes found were to be relationship issues (break-ups, divorce, etc), financial problems, emotional distress. The students I spoke with this year? Sometimes there were mental health issues, but sometimes it was break-ups or simply living a life that didn't match to the standards everyone else seemed to be living (aka....seeing everyone's perfect life on Instagram and thinking that is what true life is). So, my son and my other four kids can and will experience these issues during their years of school. Today's question can't be the last time I ask. It needs to be one of many.
So what can we do to help our kids? Help our adult friends? Help anyone who may be struggling? Well, letting them know they can reach out to us is a great start. I saw many post just that on social media today and post the suicide hotline. But guess what? Many who are having these thoughts can't reach out. Don't want to reach out. Are in such a state that they can't. I recently watched the powerful documentary "Ripple Effect", a movie about Kevin Hines who jumped from the Golden Gate bridge trying to end his life but lived. He still struggles today but said when he was young he wanted to tell people how he felt but couldn't. He just needed someone to ask the question: "Kevin, have you ever thought of killing yourself?". He said if that had happened, he would have spilled his guts. It isn't enough to post "reach out of if you need someone to talk to" (although that is still awesome to do!). We have to reach out to people we see who may be hurting, struggling, simply not themselves. They want to tell us, but we have to ask. A national suicide expert I had the chance to spend the day with last year said we have to ask the tough question. We may not want to know the answer, but we have to ask. "Have you thought about killing yourself or harming yourself? Have you made a plan to do this?"
So parents, talk with your kids. Ask the questions. If the answer is yes, don't judge. Don't get mad. Don't freak out. Even if the answer is "yes", you have just started the process of healing. And by saying "yes", your child is letting you know they want to talk and want someone to listen. So ask a few more questions and just listen. Many teens/pre-teens have these thoughts, but they are just quick passing thoughts. Others spend more time thinking about suicide and self-harm. If this is your child, ask more questions and listen even more. And if their thoughts have progressed to a plan, go with your child to get professional help. And once you have tried this with your child, remember that adults are struggling too. The news this week hasn't been about teens, it has been about adults. So if you have friends struggling, ask the question. And listen. None of this is easy, but if we want to save someone's life, it is needed. And even if it isn't a life-threatening situation, just listening and having a conversation about the struggles a friend is going through is a pretty powerful and important thing to do anyway.
What else can you do? You can sure share the suicide hotline phone number (1-800-273-8255). But even better, is you can program that number into your phone. Talking with your child or that adult friend and if the answer is "yes", dial that number together. Advocate for mental health. Do not allow someone to say or write "Committed suicide". It isn't a crime anymore. We now know that a suicidal person is hurting so much that they are going against human's number one instinct: Self-survival. Can you imagine how much pain that must be to go against our basic code? So, people aren't committing suicide, they are suffering from it. I tweeted to CNN to change their headline today and by the time I sent my tweet they had already changed it. How else can you advocate for it? Well, Iowa is 50th out of 50 states in available mental health beds for people who need it. Everytime we get excited about a tax cut, remember cuts mean cuts to programs for our state and our health. We have cut mental health facilities and options over the last decade or so and now we are suffering the consequences. This past legislative season showed some promise with focus on mental health and new laws and funding for suicide and mental health. It is a start, but Iowa gets low grades/ratings for mental health and our 36% increase in suicides shows we have a long ways to go. And finally, write yourself a note or put something on your bathroom mirror or whatever you have to do to remind you to reach out to 1-3 people each week and connect with them. Ask them how they are doing. It can be friends you know are probably okay or friends you know might be struggling. But we need to start connecting with people again. And if they are struggling, guess what? We probably need to ask the question. And one more thing....we need to end the stigma of mental illness and mental health struggles. We need to get to a point where one person says they can't shake a cold and another person says they can't shake this depression and we don't think any less of either person. And we encourage both people to go see a doctor to get some help. We used to not understand the brain and mental health/illness so it was scary. We know much more now. It isn't as scary anymore. We need to treat mental health like we treat physical health. They are all part of our overall wellness.
I say all of this personally knowing several people and families affected by suicide. Many of these people did many of these strategies. They asked the questions. They sought help for their friend, their loved one, their child. They did all these things and yet a suicide still happened. Their pain is something I cannot comprehend. But their pain is also what pushes me every day to try to do anything I can to save someone else's life. I hope you can join me in trying to save the lives of others around us who are struggling and want to tell us what is going on but just need someone to listen. And for someone to ask. Are you thinking of harming yourself or killing yourself?
If you made it this far, please watch this 12 minute TED Video. It is one of the best videos I have seen on the topic of suicide.
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