As a Netflix subscriber with little free time on my hands, I tend to keep track of the newest and best shows on Netflix and bookmark them for some summer downtime when I finally get a little more free time. I came across a show called "13 Reasons Why" two or three weeks ago and it was getting great reviews. And the content interested me as it was about a teenager who died of suicide but may have been bullied or harassed before she died. As I read more, I read about the topics it covers: bullying, cyberbullying, sexual harassment, relationships, sexting, rape, drugs/alcohol, and teenage dilemmas. As a counselor, even though this show was fiction, I thought this is definitely something I should watch since the reviews said this will really make young people think about their actions. So, I marked it.
In the two weeks since, it has become a huge topic of discussion among students, parents, counselors, and mental health experts due to the content and how it is portrayed. So, I began watching it. I am not finished (that whole free time thing again), but I am several episodes in. It is very, very good. But I can also see where the controversy is and where the ending of this show will lead to more controversy. Here is my advice to parents and teens, along with several great resources with advice from experts on suicide and other experts who generally know way more than me!
The basis of this best-selling book and now Netflix show is that a student dies of suicide but leaves behind 13 tapes. These tapes each talk about 1 student who was part of the cause of her suicide. And these students have to listen to these tapes in hopes they never do this to anyone again. Well, controversy #1 is the idea that others cause suicide. Suicide is an act caused by the person who is doing the act and that person only. Controversy #2 is that mental health issues, usually unaddressed or not addressed enough or quickly enough, is by far the biggest factor in a suicide attempt. Bullying is not considered to be a main factor in most suicide attempts by a young person. While there are many other pieces suicide experts and groups take issue with, these are two of the biggest. The other issue is that the actual suicide (remember, this is fiction though), is shown in the final episode and from what I have read, shown in detail. Many have said they have had to turn away during this very long and emotional scene and it is one of the lasting images our young people see in this show. Suicide experts and groups pleaded with the show producers not to show the actual suicide as there has been a long-standing agreement to not report suicides in the news (unless high profile case such as the recent suicide of a former NFL player in prison) or show it in any form of media. The producers felt it still needed to be shown despite these pleas and research that shows reports of suicide or visuals of suicide can actually do more harm to others than good. It can actually increase the risk of suicidal behavior in others who are exposed to this. So that is a pretty huge controversy about this show as well.
But the show has a lot of good pieces as well. As a counselor, I'm impressed by how realistic they show teenage drama and issues that affect our teens in today's world. The show addresses sexual harassment, treatment and exploitation of girls, bullying, cyberbullying, and several other teenage relationship and teen dynamics issues. You really feel what it feels like to be the victim and target and at times, you feel what it feels like to be the bully or the accidental bully. And you see the damage it causes all the way around. Obviously, I do not like the way they portray school counselors or school officials, but I get that they are using that to drive another piece of the storyline.
Here's the bottom line....if you choose to let your child/teen watch this show, watch it with them. Better yet, watch it before they watch it. And then discuss each episode and it's meaning and what that means in their life. Ask them about how they feel about what they just watched. Ask them about their school experience and friend experience. Maybe this show will even make you think about how your child uses technology and why they use technology. And you will have to decide if you let them watch the final suicide scene (also, I have heard there is a rape scene in an episode as well that can be troubling for many). And if you are not sure what to talk to them about or how to process, take a look at a few of the resources below as they are great for parents. I always love CommonSenseMedia for the way they break down a show or movie. And note that even the review by kids say it is for age 14 and up. The Talking Points is an excellent resource too by those who are advocating for Suicide Awareness and Victims and trying to save the lives of our young people. And of course, feel free to contact me anytime if you have questions/concerns.
Common Sense Media thoughts on 13 Reasons Why
Talking points on 13 Reasons Why from Experts!
7 Things You Need to Know Before Your Child Watches....
And maybe the most important resource we all need to know about is the suicide hotline number. I not only share this number with people on social media, I encourage people to program it into their phone. You never know who may need that number and when, but if you have it in your phone and ready to go, you may save a life someday!
1-800-273-8255
